Capricorn: WWJD? It’s no surprise that Jesus was a Capricorn just like you. So this weekend, you can refer to Dad as ‘God,’ you can get “nailed,” or you can get drafted to the NBA right out of high school just like LaBron James. But it’s totally up to you. But you know who else is a Capricorn? Jared Leto and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, that’s who. So this weekend, make some panties drop with your blue eyes, (I can’t remember if your eyes are blue), have a hit 90s sitcom, and start a screamo band as a side gig, so to speak.
Aquarius: Bossy celebrity Aquarius’ include: Ashton Kutcher, Tiffany Amber Theissen, and Ellen DeGeneres, so this weekend, I’d advise you to knock up Mila Kunis, date Zach Morris all through grade school, or be a blue Disney fish who can’t remember her own name but wishes she could speak Whale. The possibilities are endless. P Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.
Pisces: Rihanna and Drew Barrymore, need I say more? I’d try speed dating this weekend, because 50 First Dates will bring you luck. Try some Home Fries, or hire a Wedding Singer! Or better yet? Dump Chris Brown and start dating Drake because you love the way he lies. But whatever you do, girl, shine bright like a diamond!
Aries: David Letterman and Coenen O’Brien are Aries, just like you! So what’s a girl to do this weekend? Host her own talk show! Watch out Chelsea Handler, there’s a new woman on late night prime time and she’s a lot nicer than YOU and still funny! Also the love interest lady from the 40-Year-Old Virgin is an Aries, so I guess you could have sex with a virgin, if you can get your hands on one.
Taurus: Channing Tatum is a Taurus and so is Robert Pattinson, so until Monday, you could try being a stripper or maybe a vampire. It’s up to you, but you will definitely sparkle in the sun. Other options include: dating Kristen Stuart, being friends with Jonah Hill, or being a GI Joe. (You could also be a GI Joe themed stripper.)
Gemini: The Olsen twins are Geminis too, which is pretty cool because they basically retired at age 12. But also Angelina Jolie and Shia LaBeouf are Gemmies, so this weekend why don’t you: turn your Mazda into a Transformer, be a Disney Channel child star, or steal someone’s man? (Extra luck if the man is already married and even more luck if he’s Brad Bitt. Bitch ain’t a wall!)
Cancer: Well, when you Google, “Celebrites Cancer,” you just get a bunch of celebrities who have cancer. So I tried harder and found out that famous Cancers include: Tom Hanks, Will Farrell, Tom Cruise, and Selena Gomez. So this weekend, for some extra luck, try the following activities: become best friends with a volleyball, be a sports attorney who falls in love with Renee Zellwigger, save the world from aliens, retire from SNL, name your boat “Jenny,” or be one of the first 20 people who slept with Justin Beiber. But these are just suggestions. Get creative. Let your hair down!
Leo: You probably already know this, but our Commander In Chief, Mr. Obama is also a Leo. So this weekend, ask yourself WWBOD? You could also follow in the footsteps of Daniel Radcliff and make 8 Harry Potter movies that gross so high you never have to work again, or you could be Katniss, cause that’s what Jennifer Lawrence did! Do you, birthday girl!
Virgo: First of all, there are a lot of cool celebrity Virgos. But my favorite include Michael Jackson, Bill Murray, and Michael Keaton, so this weekend, the sky’s the limit, baby! Things you can do for luck: die at age 50, star in lots of Wes Anderson movies, live the same day over and over (it will probably be Groundhog Day, feel me?), be a Tim Burton style Batman, or maybe die and come back to life as your child’s snowman. See what I mean? The possibilities are endless. Also, I’m sorry that two of the options include death.
Libra: Let me just list these ballers who share a zodiac with you. Okay here I go: Lil Wayne, Eminem, Will Smith, Kim Kardashian, Usher, John Lennon and Zac Efron, TO NAME A FEW. I guess we know where the cool kids sit, and you are no exception. So this weekend, just make it rain! Show your abs! Be a fresh princess! Have Kanye West’s baby! Lead the British Invasion! You can do so many things, girl! Do them.
Scorpio: Matthew McConaughey, baby. He’s gonna carry you through on this one. You can do SO many things this weekend, the sky’s the limit. First of all, make sure read up on “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” cause you’re gonna need it when you open your Buyers Club. Is this horoscope making you feel Dazed and Confused? Don’t worry, you can always just chill out this weekend and watch some EdTV.
Sagittarius: Miley Cyrus is also a Sagittarius, so this weekend, it’s important to really try and prove you are a grown-up with a real sexuality. It’s also important to get it completely wrong and offend/annoy lots of people. But Kaley Cuoco is also a Sag, so you could maybe hang out with a bunch of nerds or marry a pro tennis player. (If you want.)