How to be an all-star employee

Arrive late every day for a month.

Talk to your female co-workers about organic microwave popcorn: your favorite flavors, Amazon.com deals, and whether it’s an appropriate lunch for a working woman.

Take extra-long lunch breaks to work on your tan.

Read beauty blogs and then go to ULTA on your lunch break to buy lipstick and makeup remover wipes.

Forget to write things down.

Write down your workout schedule, upcoming concerts and dinner plans with friends in your personal planner.

Talk to your female co-workers about clothes. “I love your blouse!” Thanks, but you’re in your sixties, and this is actually a t-shirt.

Memorize the height and weight of each of the Portland Trail Blazers. 

thefrenemy

thefrenemy:

-a perfect cranberry colored lipstick
-a break from the shit on the internet
-the time, patience, and ingredients to bake more things
-all of the socks I think I lost appear over the hill like the ending of Homeward Bound
-a goddamn breeze once in a while
-a hair product that actually eliminates 83% of frizz or whatever lies this thing is spewing
-solid gold chopsticks and the tofu pad thai to go with it
-It works when I say “Accio Siracha” on the couch
-the thing on Netflix I want to watch FOR ONCE
-the kind of money where I’m not quite sure how much a gallon of milk costs
-like, I could guess I just wouldn’t be 100% sure
-delicate necklaces and chunky rings
-candles that don’t really make the room hot
-clean room 
-a stare that could stop your shit
-some nice things
-people to shut up

In this episode, pt. 5: The one where ‘Shark Week’ has a double meaning

Here is the episode where the air conditioning in my car breaks and I hate it but the more time that passes, the more I get used to it. I’m kind of mad at Summer, sick of it. I’m dreaming of October and leggings and Odesza. Sweet, sweet Odesza.

The one where we spend the weekend in Hood River for the wedding and then back at work on Monday, one of the bosses starts spreading the news about Robin Williams and why is Music Fest Northwest weird this year?

The one where I search for psychiatrists in my insurance network because maybe it would help me get through my weekdays but really, do I even have time for one more appointment and why is it one hundred degrees outside?

This is the episode where I consider canceling our cable and only watching Netflix to save some money but what about the Trail Blazers? I could easily spend the same amount of money on beer and pizza while watching basketball at a sports bar, and Amelia and I joke that we get along as roommates because of the cable.

The one where it’s Shark Week, but that actually has two meanings.

I keep picturing the night we saw Robin Williams’ stand up at the Schnitz and have nightmares about my Invisalign but why do weddings make us feel this way? Excited and overwhelmed and anxious.  

The episode where week days blur together and I ache for weekends but also never want to leave my air-conditioned office. In this episode, some pipes burst in the kitchen and we buy lots of coffee from Starbucks on the company credit card.

The one where I make more promises to myself.

The one where we say “I love you.”

The one where everything is starting to have a double meaning. 

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero: apocalypse scenarios I’d maybe be down with

I wrote this earlier this week but I’ve given it some more thought, and after a hard week at work and also listening to more Joe Rogan podcasts, I’ve made some important edits. 

Waterworld: The one where the icecaps melt and the whole world is water, except for rumors of an uninhabited island somewhere, and Kevin Costner is part man, part fish.

Banks lose all their information and all “money” is worthless: If there was a sequel to Fight Club it would be about the aftermath of collapsing all the banks. I would be okay with this. At least at first. There are huge networks and groups of conspiracy theorists in regards to Tyler Durden’s theory that “on a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.” See: www.zerohedge.com.

An Alien Invasion: ‘nuff said.

A meteor hits the earth and shit hits the fan, so to speak and probably literally: I guess in my glamorized perception of a natural disaster, maybe me and my brand new husband outrun the giant wave. See: Deep Impact.

No electricity anywhere, forever: This could happen in a lot of different ways, but like, I think I’d be down with camping forever. MAYBE.

The Butterfly Effect: Not exactly and apocolypse either, but anything could happen. Alternate universes. See also: Sliders.

This Is The End style Rapture: Party at James Franco’s house! Ooooooop!

The Alien Invasion: Okay, maybe not “‘nuff said.” If Aliens make it here, are they just here to say “hi”? Do they need to farm our bodies for power? If they made it that far, they might not be living organisms- maybe just machines. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be a tough pill to swallow. But I still might be down to see what happens. Or what about how in Mars Attacks the old lady’s music from the 1920’s is what ends up scaring them away, only it’s my generation that’s old ladies and it’s SKRILLEX that scares them away? 

The Matrix: But I’d want to be IN the Matrix. Not in Zion, where they can only wear neutral colors and eat oatmeal. 

Apocalypses I would not be down with:

Blindness starring Mark Ruffalo.

The Hunger Games

Zombieland/The Walking Dead

Nuclear war- hard to wrap my head around, but definitely a 

Natural Disasters

Any other rapture besides This Is The End- (this is only sort of an apocalypse)

The only way I’d be okay with living in the Hunger Games: I get to be Katniss

A couple notes on Joe Rogan, though: 1) I think he could have played Hercules. I know he doesn’t act, and The Rock is sort of an awesome and actually respected actor at this point, but dude. If Hurcules were played by Joe Rogan and it was rated R, all Game of Thrones style, with more blood and sex and incest, maybe it would be my number one movie of the summer, or at least tied with Maleficent. A full review on Hurcules later. 2) I considered getting a twitter account to tweet this to him.image

"One a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero," apocalypse scenarios I’d maybe be down with:

I wrote this earlier this week but I've given it some more thought, after a hard week at work and also listening to more The Joe Rogan Experiance Podcasts, I’ve made some important edits.

Waterworld: The one where the icecaps melt and the whole world is water, except for rumors of an uninhabited island somewhere, and Kevin Costner is part man, part fish.

Banks lose all their information and all “money” is worthless: If there was a sequel to Fight Club it would be about the aftermath of collapsing all the banks. I would be okay with this. At least at first. There are huge networks and groups of conspiracy theorists in regards to Tyler Durden’s theory that “on a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”

An Alien Invasion: Scary as hell, but…… ‘nuff said.

A meteor hits the earth and shit hits the fan, so to speak and probably literally: I guess in my glamorized perception of disaster

No electricity anywhere, forever: This could happen in a lot of different ways, but like, I think I’d be down with camping forever. MAYBE.

The Butterfly Effect: Not exactly and apocolypse either, but anything could happen. Alternate universes. See also: Sliders.

This Is The End style Rapture: Party at James Franco’s house! Ooooooop!

The Alien Invasion: Okay, maybe not “‘nuff said.” If Aliens make it here, are they just here to say “hi”? Do they need to farm our bodies for power? If they made it that far, they might not be living organisms- maybe just machines. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be a tough pill to swallow. But I still might be down to see what happens. Or what about in Mars Attacks the old lady’s music from the 1920’s is what ends up scaring them away, only it’s my generation that’s old ladies and it’s SKRILLEX that scares them away? 

The Matrix: But I’d want to be IN the Matrix. Not in Zion, where they can only wear neutral colors and eat oatmeal. 

Apocalypses I would not be down with:

Blindness starring Mark Ruffalo.

The Hunger Games

Zombieland/The Walking Dead

Nuclear war- hard to wrap my head around, but definitely a 

Natural Disasters

Any other rapture besides This Is The End- (this is only sort of an apocalypse)

The only way I’d be okay with living in the Hunger Games: I get to be Katniss

A couple notes on Joe Rogan, though: 1) I think he could have played Hercules. I know he doesn’t act, and The Rock is sort of an awesome and actually respected actor at this point, but dude. If Hurcules were played by Joe Rogan and it was rated R, all Game of Thrones style, with more blood and sex and incest, maybe it would be my number one movie of the summer, or at least tide with Maleficent. A full review on Hurcules later. 2) I considered getting a twitter account to tweet this to him.image

You can’t dump me, I quit! (How to “win” a breakup)

Exercise. Work out every damn day. Get tight abs and a sweet ass.

Flaunt your new body in some new clothes.

Flirt.

Delete your ex from Facebook.

Delete your ex from your life.

Dive into work. Become employee of the month.

Go on a dating hiatus because that’s when the man of your dreams will come a-knockin’.

Go out with only your girlfriends and cackle at men like a band of witches.

Keep exercising.

Dip your toe into the online dating pool. Do you like how it feels? Put your whole foot in. Slowwwwwly.

Use protection.

Go see some music.

Bump into your ex at the grocery store and don’t let it phase you. Look at your groceries. You bought coconut water and spinach because you’re so fit.

Buy some new makeup.

Post lots of photos on social media that aren’t selfies.

Hook up with someone so at least the last person you hooked up with isn’t your ex. (Kissing counts.)

“We’re trying to stay friends.” Yeah, okay.

Say ‘yes’ to everything. Paint the town red.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Nothing can stop you now, girl!

Spend, think, make, keep, celebrate. How to plan for the future:

Spend all of your money on lipstick and $14 lunches from Starbucks.

Think about your 401(k) as just an abstract idea, not a real place, thing, or account.

Burn bridges. Burn all of your bridges.

Make sure your groceries are good for only one day. Get things like sushi rolls and chicken strips and go back to the store the next day.

Assume that the person you are currently dating will be with you forever. Things are not quite right, but close enough.

Keep moving all of your tasks on your Outlook calendar to a later date and time.

Celebrate small victories with large amounts of alcohol. You haven’t reached your goals yet, but let’s party.

Bank on an apocalypse happening soon.

Daydream about things you can’t afford.

Cross your fingers that your car will fix itself. 

Your weekend horoscope, celebrity dos and don’ts:

Capricorn: WWJD? It’s no surprise that Jesus was a Capricorn just like you. So this weekend, you can refer to Dad as ‘God,’ you can get “nailed,” or you can get drafted to the NBA right out of high school just like LaBron James. But it’s totally up to you. But you know who else is a Capricorn? Jared Leto and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, that’s who. So this weekend, make some panties drop with your blue eyes, (I can’t remember if your eyes are blue), have a hit 90s sitcom, and start a screamo band as a side gig, so to speak.

Aquarius: Bossy celebrity Aquarius’ include: Ashton Kutcher, Tiffany Amber Theissen, and Ellen DeGeneres, so this weekend, I’d advise you to knock up Mila Kunis, date Zach Morris all through grade school, or be a blue Disney fish who can’t remember her own name but wishes she could speak Whale. The possibilities are endless. P Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

Pisces: Rihanna and Drew Barrymore, need I say more? I’d try speed dating this weekend, because 50 First Dates will bring you luck. Try some Home Fries, or hire a Wedding Singer! Or better yet? Dump Chris Brown and start dating Drake because you love the way he lies. But whatever you do, girl, shine bright like a diamond!

Aries: David Letterman and Coenen O’Brien are Aries, just like you! So what’s a girl to do this weekend? Host her own talk show! Watch out Chelsea Handler, there’s a new woman on late night prime time and she’s a lot nicer than YOU and still funny! Also the love interest lady from the 40-Year-Old Virgin is an Aries, so I guess you could have sex with a virgin, if you can get your hands on one.

Taurus: Channing Tatum is a Taurus and so is Robert Pattinson, so until Monday, you could try being a stripper or maybe a vampire. It’s up to you, but you will definitely sparkle in the sun. Other options include: dating Kristen Stuart, being friends with Jonah Hill, or being a GI Joe. (You could also be a GI Joe themed stripper.)

Gemini: The Olsen twins are Geminis too, which is pretty cool because they basically retired at age 12. But also Angelina Jolie and Shia LaBeouf are Gemmies, so this weekend why don’t you: turn your Mazda into a Transformer, be a Disney Channel child star, or steal someone’s man? (Extra luck if the man is already married and even more luck if he’s Brad Bitt. Bitch ain’t a wall!)

Cancer: Well, when you Google, “Celebrites Cancer,” you just get a bunch of celebrities who have cancer. So I tried harder and found out that famous Cancers include: Tom Hanks, Will Farrell, Tom Cruise, and Selena Gomez. So this weekend, for some extra luck, try the following activities: become best friends with a volleyball, be a sports attorney who falls in love with Renee Zellwigger, save the world from aliens, retire from SNL, name your boat “Jenny,” or be one of the first 20 people who slept with Justin Beiber. But these are just suggestions. Get creative. Let your hair down!

Leo: You probably already know this, but our Commander In Chief, Mr. Obama is also a Leo. So this weekend, ask yourself WWBOD? You could also follow in the footsteps of Daniel Radcliff and make 8 Harry Potter movies that gross so high you never have to work again, or you could be Katniss, cause that’s what Jennifer Lawrence did! Do you, birthday girl!

Virgo: First of all, there are a lot of cool celebrity Virgos. But my favorite include Michael Jackson, Bill Murray, and Michael Keaton, so this weekend, the sky’s the limit, baby! Things you can do for luck: die at age 50, star in lots of Wes Anderson movies, live the same day over and over (it will probably be Groundhog Day, feel me?), be a Tim Burton style Batman, or maybe die and come back to life as your child’s snowman. See what I mean? The possibilities are endless. Also, I’m sorry that two of the options include death.

Libra: Let me just list these ballers who share a zodiac with you. Okay here I go: Lil Wayne, Eminem, Will Smith, Kim Kardashian, Usher, John Lennon and Zac Efron, TO NAME A FEW. I guess we know where the cool kids sit, and you are no exception. So this weekend, just make it rain! Show your abs! Be a fresh princess! Have Kanye West’s baby! Lead the British Invasion! You can do so many things, girl! Do them.

Scorpio: Matthew McConaughey, baby. He’s gonna carry you through on this one. You can do SO many things this weekend, the sky’s the limit. First of all, make sure read up on “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” cause you’re gonna need it when you open your Buyers Club. Is this horoscope making you feel Dazed and Confused? Don’t worry, you can always just chill out this weekend and watch some EdTV.

Sagittarius: Miley Cyrus is also a Sagittarius, so this weekend, it’s important to really try and prove you are a grown-up with a real sexuality. It’s also important to get it completely wrong and offend/annoy lots of people. But Kaley Cuoco is also a Sag, so you could maybe hang out with a bunch of nerds or marry a pro tennis player. (If you want.)