Blue and yellow purple pills: vitamins/supplements that I take and why

So we all know the best way to get adequate nutrition is to eat whole, clean foods, right? RIGHT??! But nobody’s perfect, even Beyonce, and we could all use a little help sometimes. So here’s a list of vitamins and supplements that I take sometimes, consistently or non-consistently:

Calcium:  Because when I go out to eat, I totally order cheese and meat and I am not a vegetarian or vegan by any means, but my groceries tend to be. When I grocery shop, I mostly buy things like coconut coffee creamer, almond milk, brown rice pasta, spinach, Dave’s Killer Bread, Oreos, and fruits and vegetables. These are pretty standard “healthy” groceries, and they all happen to be vegan. Not only does almond milk last ten times as long cows’ milk in the fridge, it costs like one dollar.  So anyway, if I’m not eating out, I could totally go like five days without eating meat or dairy, which is why I sometimes think about where I’m getting my calcium.

Fish oil: Because I’m not fifteen anymore and my joints need a little lubrication. Also because fish oil is super awesome for my skin, my hair, and my brain. Sometimes when I’ve been eating super clean for a while, and I feel a lot more in tune with my body, I can be like, “Okay, my brain totally needs a dose of cold olive oil” and I’ll throw some on my dinner and feel a lot better. OR, I’ll just pop a fish oil pill and call it good.

A multi-vitamin: Because I can’t always count on myself to choose the spinach over the Oreos so I guess I feel a little better if I know I’m getting a dose of some vitamins. I know some people don’t believe in them and think that we just pee them out, but here’s how I understand it: there are water soluble vitamins and fat soluble vitamins. Water soluble vitamins pass through your system via water, so you gotta drink up to get them out. Fat soluble are the ones that you can overdose on because you actually have to burn fat to get rid of them, so they stay in your system longer.

Biotin: Because I cut my super thin unhealthy breaking hair into a short bob on New Year’s Eve last year and I am now in a race with myself to get it long and healthy again. Biotin is a B vitamin, but also called vitamin H, which I don’t quite understand, but after extensive internet research and reading countless reviews on Amazon.com, I’ve come to believe there is a general consensus that taking a biotin supplement will help you grown your hair quicker and thicker. But biotin is a water soluble vitamin, as mentioned above, so if you don’t drink enough water to pee it all out, it will come out of your skin and you will break out. So be careful. I started on the 10,000 mcg, but have gone down to 5,000, which seems to be an agreeable dose for me.

MSM: Because methylsulfonylmethane, an organosulfur compound, (whatever!) makes your hair grown super fast as well. Apparently, it lengthens the “growth phase” of your hair. There are three phases, which have actual scientific names, but who cares? There’s basically a growth phase, a resting phase, and a shedding phase. But each of your individual hairs are at a different phase at any given time. So I guess MSM make the growth phase last longer. Also, people swear that it makes their joint pain melt away, so there’s that.

Silica: I also heard about silica when doing my research on hair growth, so at first I ordered some in capsule form from Amazon, which seemed to give my skin a nice glow after only a couple of days. It’s also supposed to make your hair grow like weeds. I’ve read that we have lots of silica in our bodies as kids and have less and less of it as we get older. So supplementing with silica can slow the aging process. ALLEGEDLY. But whatever, I’ll do what I can to dip into the fountain of youth. Anyway, then I heard that silica is actually the most easily absorbed by our bodies in liquid form so I ordered this bamboo leaf tea (bamboo has tons of silica) and drank 30 days worth. My skin looked awesome and I think my hair grew about an inch in that month. But most recently, I’ve been using the Hubner silica gel that comes in this white tub from Germany, tastes like chalk, and doesn’t seem like something you should put in your body. But it has incredible reviews and I swear my skin is glowy and plump just from taking it for a few days. Read some reviews. I’m sold.

Borage seed oil: Also awesome for skin and hair, but less popular than fish oil. People swear by this stuff. The capsules are meant to be taken orally, but some people say they just poke a pin hole in it and smear it on their face at night, leaving a nice healthy glow. I ordered this because I was taking Phyto Phytophanere for hair skin and nails, but it’s pretty expensive so I just got a bottle of the first ingredient on the list, which is borage seed oil. Bada bing bada boom.

Probiotics (in the refrigerated capsule form): Because probiotics are good for your gut and for your skin and good bacteria will save you blah blah blah, but it was December and cold and I could not gulp down one more spoonful of flavorless Greek yogurt, so I said “fuck it- I’m taking another pill!” 

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Mermaids come in all sizes

"Bikinis weren’t just a functionally attractive item you could slap on and go to the beach in, you had to be bikini ready for them. Essentially, this meant you had to look like a swimsuit model, all flat stomach and no body hair, but do you know how hard that is for an average thin-curvy-sometimes-chubbyish person like me? Do you know how many women and people in general fluctuate on the body spectrum and consistently look far from “perfect?” Do you know how hard it is to feel good about yourself when so many people tell you how far you are from that perfection? Do you know how hard it is for a normal human being, such as myself, to look fine in a bathing suit? I’m not talking like “whoa, she fine,” I’m talking “completely passable in a retro tankini.” I’ll tell you: it’s hard. I have cellulite. I have that little bit of fat that bulges out between my breasts and my armpits. There are things on my body that you can’t just Photoshop out. It’s not even like I am sitting on the couch like a giant slug, refusing to move until somebody pours salt on me (although momma told me there would be days like this). I MOVE. I RUN. I am a living, breathing person who puts vegetables into herself, and guess what? She likes going to the beach. So what does she wear? A bathing suit. Fuck it. I might look my best in dark lips, a day old top knot, and a sexy gigantic t-shirt, but I gotta feed my calling to the sea."

From Alida Nugents SECOND book on feminism. Tell ‘em, girl 

via The-Frenemy 

Explain this please

So the earth spins at like a thousand miles per hour creating gravity and some planets, like Saturn, have rotating orbits where shit just floats around like huge rocks and debree. And the earth is just a floating ball that’s in the middle of infinity and our human brains accept it, but let’s be honest, we can’t really wrap our minds around it….

And I’m sitting here paying students loans and worrying about taxes and lipstick….

What?

Neither here nor there, a satirical guide on how to be happy and have it all

  • Save enough money to live off of for at least 6 months without work, but also spend and be carefree because YOLO.
  • Go out often and celebrate, but also get up early enough to take care of your body. Meditate and stretch and get 8 hours of sleep but also never miss a friend’s birthday. So go to bed at 2:00am on a Thursday but also get 8 hours of sleep and get to the gym before work. How many hours are in YOUR day?
  • Never say no when there is cake or mini bagels in the break room because you really shouldn’t be so uptight, but also try to live to be one hundred.
  • Be professional with your wardrobe, especially in the office, but also why should I try to hide my mammary glands and make them look less pointy? Why?
  • Be selfless but also do what YOU want to do.
  • Be one of those people who doesn’t actually watch TV but always be up-to-date on the latest HBO shows and have something interesting to say about Claire Danes’ performance in Homeland.
  • Don’t pay attention to celebrity gossip because what kind of person are you to actually be entertained by that? But also, make sure you have something universal to talk to women about.
  • You’re not Beyonce, so keep your cost of living low. But make sure you’re always stocked up on coconut water, fancy vitamins, and organic Valencia almonds.
  • Stay in touch with every friend you’ve ever had. Fo’ eva eva?
  • Always have a smile on your face while you’re walking down the street because strangers deserve your flexed face muscles, but also fuck everybody, you’re tired.
  • Sign up for Tindr, have a baby, advance your career, don’t spend so much money, don’t be so uptight, you better not let your nail polish chip, try harder, be smaller, do more, okay?

What to do when you’re stressed, a guide

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  • Drown all of your feelings in a tub of queso cheese. Make sure it’s the white kind from a fast-food Mexican chain, though. The grocery store stuff won’t cut it.
  • Write a private e-mail or Facebook message to your friends about people who annoy the shit out of you and what you’d like to do to them…..hypothetically
  • Smear chocolate all over your face ‘cause who gives a fuck.
  • Postpone every single work task on your Outlook calendar to a later time or date. 
  • Count all the Mondays between now and your retirement. 
  • Spend $14.00 at Starbucks and have a Frapuccino as a dessert for your queso. 
  • Consider internet trolling as an actual career. 
  • Read US Weekly magazine and feel better about your woes because Stars! They’re just like us! They eat M&M’s! 
  • Write a Tumblr post about stress and how to manage it. 
  • Spill coffee on your pants and laugh about it like a crazy person.
  • Make plans for every single weekend between now and your retirement.  
  • Daydream about the ability to pause time. 
  • Think about all of the money you’ve ever spent on rent. Now think about a Gringott’s goblin burning all of it and making mean jokes about how you’ll never own a home. 
  • Imagine that all the male bosses wore red lipstick today.
  • Consider how many hours it would take to watch everything on Netflix. Everything
  • Imagine apocalypse scenarios that would still have Netflix and queso. 
  • Become nostalgic about grade school when you had no bills and healthy dinner was prepared buy your mother every night. 
  • Text your boyfriend details about your bad day until he Photoshops your face onto Lil Wayne’s body to cheer you up. 
  • Decide not to go on a jog today because of all the queso. 
  • Imagine what it would feel like to do a “Tough Mudder” 5k race, but with queso instead of mud. 
  • Fantasize about being a comedy writer.
  • Consider your favorite apocalypse scenario and how that might be better than working in an office until you’re sixty. 
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Invisalign, not so invisible braces: a review

My teeth are pretty straight and always have been. I never had braces as a kid. I essentially had only one tooth out of place that was turned 180 degrees and also deformed, and also some slight crowding on my bottom teeth, (who doesn’t?) Anyway, I could have very well lived my entire life happy enough with my teeth, but it really comes back to my obsession with symmetry. I want things to be even and symmetrical, especially on my body. (It’s one of the main reasons I exercise- more on this later.) Here is a photo of what my upper teeth used to look like, as well as the answer to some questions about my experience with the Invisalign process.

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  1. How long is my treatment?: I am lined up for 27 sets of trays. You’re supposed to wear each tray for 2 weeks and then switch out to the next set. I am currently on set 14 and sooooo happy to be past the half-way mark- barely. My orthodontist said that most people need refinement once the original trays are finished, just to tweak your teeth a little at the end and get them where they want them. But so far, my teeth have been moving perfectly, (probably because I’m an adult, am good at following directions, and am paying for the treatment myself) so I’m hoping that I will not need any refinement trays and will be all finished in January! Fingers crossed. 
  2. Can you kiss with Invisalign?: When I first got my Invisalign, I was a single lady and totally planned on not dating anyone until the whole process was over but then I got swooped up at a bar by a really cute, nice guy, so what’s a girl to do?! Well, I’ll be honest: at first, I was super shy and self-conscious and never wore my retainers around this guy. I even slept without them in two or three times: a BIG no-no! And then I thought, Fuck it! I am paying so much money for these things, I’ll be damned if I mess it up because I’m self conscious around this sweet guy who totally doesn’t even care! Okay, I know this segment is about kissing, so here it is: You can totally kiss with Invisalign. Just brush and floss often. No problem. Own it! 
  3. Just how invisible are they?: First of all, there is a difference between clear and invisible. You know how the Invisibility Cloak in the movie version of Harry Potter is portrayed? So that the viewers know it’s the Invisibility Cloak but they can actually totally see it? It’s like a clear, blurred shape of Harry and whoever is hiding under it with him. Umm, you’re not invisible, movie-version-of-Harry-Potter, I can totally see you, and Professor Snape probably can too. That’s what my “invisible” braces look like.  A clear outline of Harry Potter. No, but you can totally see them and it’s mostly because I have an above average number of attachments.
  4. What are attachments?: Attachments, or “buttons,” are these unfortunate little tooth-colored bumps that the orthodontist puts on your teeth to help the Invisalign trays better grip your teeth. A lot of people only have to have them on a couple of their teeth, maybe just one or two on the side. No problem. But unfortunately, I have a ton of them, including two on my top front teeth, which sucks. The other thing is, though, that my actual teeth are whiter than my attachments so the color is all off and it just looks like I have crap on my teeth. Bummer. Also, I they make me feel like my teeth are never completely clean. I cannot wait until I am all finished and can run my tongue over my teeth and they are super slick and attachment-free!
  5. How often do I brush my teeth?: The short answer is all the fucking time. The long answer is that according to the instructions of my orthodontist and the brochure that came with my first set of aligners, you are supposed to brush your teeth and your retainers after every single time you eat. Do I do this? Basically, yes. This also comes down to how much I’m paying for the treatment and really wanting to follow directions and not mess it up. I also really don’t want cavities and I hate thinking about chocolate or soggy cracker crumbs or whatever just sitting in my teeth with a nice silicon cover to hold it in place. No thanks. I’m a big girl. With that said, there are times when I cannot get to a sink or a toothbrush and I just pop them back in. It’s not ideal, but it’s also not the end of the world.
  6. Have I lost weight?: A lot of people do lose a little weight when they first get Invisalign do to the fact that they avoid snacking because they it’s a pain in the ass to have to brush their teeth so often and keep taking the trays out and putting them back in. Do I want that mini Snickers bad enough to brush my teeth immediately after? My answer to that is usually no, but I’ll be honest, it’s not always no. I am a pretty big planner of my meals and snacks so the Invisalign did not affect my weight very much. I eat like I normally do and brush my teeth about 6 times per day.
  7. How many hours a day do I wear my retainers?: The recommended wear time for Invisalign is 22 hours a day. Honestly, I am probably usually pretty close to that. I am at a point now that I actually feel better when they are in than out. When I have my retainers out for too long, like if I am lagging on brushing my teeth after dinner, I feel like my teeth are vulnerable and that they need their protective shields back on ASAP! I mean, they move so quickly – they reach a new position every 2 weeks – so I feel like they are super prone to moving back if they are not secured for most of the day. With that said, there have definitely been special occasions, dates or birthday parties, where I’ve had them out for like 6 hours and nothing bad really happened, though I always do feel like they are a bit tighter when I first put them back in.  
  8. How much do they cost?: I think my total treatment cost a little over $5000. My insurance covered $1000 and I am currently on a interest-free payment plan which I will be paying on for another year. I was lucky that my orthodontist offered in-house financing. The cool thing about most orthodontics, though, is that it’s usually a flat rate. So if my teeth are not perfect after the first 27 sets of trays, I will not be charged more for refinement. It’s totally expensive, but it’s my smile and I cannot weight to have perfect teeth at the end of this.
  9. Is it worth it?: Totally! A lot of the time, Invisalign is embarrassing, expensive, and a huge pain in my ass, but you know what? There are harder things in live than orthodontics. 

Numbers on computers

It’s just that I’m not 100% convinced that money I send to my 401(k) or put towards paying off student loans is actually going to a real place. 

That, and I’m also not quite convinced that an anti-money apocalypse won’t happen between now and either the time I retire or the time I pay off my debts. Most of money is just numbers on computers, right? And it could easily be destroyed, right?

Like Fight Club? Project Mayhem was really about destroying banks and making everything start over from zero. Fight Club was really about creating an apocalypse. 

And I could use this money right now, while it’s in front of me, and while I know it still has value. 

I could trade it for coffee or Lil Wayne tickets….

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