I just Googled it.
It’s been done.
Note to self: write a blog post about things I think of that I find out are not original after a simple Google search. In fact, that’s probably been done too.
Anyway, my entries would include the following:
The attorney doing contract work who went to the bathroom at 10 minute intervals. I think I counted 11 times in an hour once. Unfortunately for him, everyone has to walk past the receptionist’s desk in order to get to the bathroom. Overactive bladder, or…..?
The associate who no longer worked there who’s last name was Glascock and we used to get packages for him or from him from time to time. I know I said no names, but…maybe changing his name to his actual name is kind of genius…the perfect crime.
When the legal assistant from Mr. Weiner’s office would call and I’d be like, “I’m sorry, what office are you calling from?” and I’d be thinking Please, don’t let his name be Weiner, please, please. And then I’d have to buzz the attorney they were calling for. “Chip, I have so-and-so on the phone calling from Mr. Weiner’s office.” That poor gal, though. She dealt with that all. day. long. I don’t think I’d accept a job working for Mr. Weiner unless I was really desperate.
How the office manager and her office-best-friend, one of the legal assistants really started to hate me. I could tell, and I think it’s because I was young and petite, to be honest, because they sure talked about carbs a lot at the
firm lunches and would glance grudgingly at my plate. And how the office manager would always sigh really loudly while walking by my desk. How am I supposed to respond to that? Should I jokingly say, “One of those days?” every. single. time??? I don’t speak in sighs, lady! Use your words, you passive-aggressive bitch!
firm lunches. I was in charge of ordering food for our monthly firm lunches. Each month, the lunch was chosen by the person or persons who had a birthday that month. But for the November lunch, they always had a traditional turkey dinner from Whole Foods with mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, and a ton of pie. Well, Whole Foods had an online ordering system set up so that you could order your turkey dinner online, so I did that. I ordered the turkey lunch-dinner for our usual firm lunch day, the first Wednesday of the month, which was November 7th. This ended up being my worst day at Fancy Downtown Portland Law Firm With A Funny Innuendo Name (FDPLFWAIN). Here’s a G-chat conversation with my sister I just found from an hour or so after the storm, so to speak:
me: omg i just had the worst/craziest few hours of work
i almost cried
i actually felt that. Weird huh? I fucking knew something was happening with you. I had a feeling
That is so weird
me: dude it was a nightmare!!
omg so we have our firm lunch every month and im in charge of ordering the food
for november they always do a turkey dinner from whole foods
i ordered it all through their website and they dont deliver so someone had to go pick it up
our office manager is out today so i went to get it
i called to confirm the order yesterday
when i got there today, at 11:15 to pick it up (lunch is ALWAYS at noon) they had nothing
they told me that the website wasn’t supposed to let me order thanksgiving stuff for another few days
they had no cooked turkey for us
sondrahealey169: Oh no!
me: they could make the rest of the stuff, but none of it would be hot
so we had to have chicken instead
they were scrambling to get it all ready and im sweating and having a panic attack
they said they would walk the food over to our office
so i went back, it took them another 40 minutes to bring it
everyone is hungry and mad
i was on the verge of tears
sondrahealey169: Oh no!
You did good though
you couldn’t have known
me: so everyone had to heat up their plates individually int he microwave
and we ended up eating an hour late and no one was actually mad at me and they said it wasnt my fault and joked about 1st world problems, etc
me: and we went around and said what we were thankful for and the last thing i said was that they didnt fire me today and everyone laughed
and said “awwwww”
sondrahealey169: oh cute!
me: so it did end well but i was sweating so hard for like two hours almost crying. i had tears in my eyes. i wanted it to be over!
sondrahealey169: you rock. All is well
That is so fucking weird. I was seriously like in my head “I think something is happening for Theresa right now”
like twins, but not
me: yeah. what i can conclude from this is that no matter where i am, i am the baby and everyone feels bad for me! haha
me: oh and the food was free and it was almost a $400 meal so that was good too
me: im not surprised you felt it cause i was stressing sooooo hard! energy had to go somwehre!
sondrahealey169: It came to me
All of pine needles I was constantly cleaning up over the holidays because those snobs wanted a real tree.
There were two lesbians working at FDPLFWAIN, which is pretty awesome for one office, but I’ll be honest, they weren’t my favorite co-workers. The first one pushed me over the edge when her busy assistant needed to relieve me for a bathroom break and she told her to “just strap a catheter on [my] back,” After I looked up what a catheter was, I was utterly offended. Look, lady, I’m just a human with a bladder here. Give me a BREAK, pun intended. Also, her partner called in once and got really mad at me for not recognizing her voice and sending the call straight through. “It’s her WIFE!” she yelled, angrily over the phone. The other lesbian was really adamant about me house-sitting for her, but when I finally agreed to do it, I realized it was a mistake. She expected me to stay up at her house that was 20 minutes away from town the whole weekend and was shocked when I told her that I was driving back to town every day. I mean, it was Labor Day weekend and I was twenty-three with a boyfriend. Like I didn’t have plans? So weird. Plus, it was only $50 for the weekend. Not worth it.
In the spirit of funny innuendo names, we’ll call this next associate Dick Lee. Dick Lee was the managing partner of Downtown Portland Law Office With A Funny Innuendo Name, and he got the most phone calls out of everyone in the office, but that was no problem for me, the receptionist, because he was the nicest guy there. Also, he ate lunch with his stay-at-home wife quite often and would be like, “I’m going to meet my bride for lunch!” Plus, he’s really good looking for an older man. You can see his photo on their website: www.fancydowntownportlandlawfirmwithafunnyinnuendoname.com
And then there was Polly Pullen, the scariest member of the team at FDLFWAFIN. She did not want any of my paperwork on the counter, she had to have a certain number of blue pens in each of the conference rooms at all times, she once fired someone for not getting classy enough snacks for a meeting, her family did all the art work in the office, and it took her about 8 months to respond to my “good morning” greetings when she walked in the office. She was a little frightening, to say the least. She once yelled at me for not telling her that her husband was waiting for her in the lobby. But in my defense, he did not state he was her husband and I did not know she was currently in the office. She was sort of like a sleeping dragon you did not want to wake up. Except there was the time when we went around at the Thanksgiving firm lunch and she said said what she wanted for Christmas was world peace, and I actually believed her. Scary dragon with a soft heart? Sounds a little like Maleficent, huh?
Although they let me go just two weeks after I had a traumatic breakup with my boyfriend making me feel like my life crumbling aroundme, getting laid off from there really seemed like blessing in disguise. They replaced my front desk position with a video camera. Good luck with that. Part of me thought they kind of just hated me, or that I wasn’t a good fit for the office. They said they were making cuts because they needed to save money, which might be true, because I overheard them saying once that the rent for the 11th floor of Downtown Portland building was $20,000 a month. Jesus. Below is a journal entry I wrote just after leaving the company:
"I am done with [FDPLFWAIN]. I was laid off and I had my last day on Friday. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I am utterly relieved. I think I will find something that is right for me. I know I will. I just don’t know what yet. It’s Monday, and I am at home doing whatever I please. I don’t know how long this freedom will last, so I am trying to enjoy it while I can. But life is good. More than I would have liked to admit, I was feeling very out of place at [FDPLFWAIN] and now I no longer have to go there or dread going there. They replaced me with a video camera. They have no idea."
Epilogue: I worked at Fancy Downtown Portland Law Office With A Funny Innuendo Name from May 2012 to April 2013. Honestly, I was
grateful for the benefits and the experience, and all that I learned, which wasn’t a whole lot because the partners had varying opinions on how much work the receptionist should actually do and how much she should just sit there and look pretty for the UPS guy or that judge who was totally judging me for my outfit. (Until in my head I remembered, Well, she IS a judge.)
All I’m saying is, thank god for my current job. Everything happens for a reason. (I don’t actually believe everything happens for a reason, but it sure seems like it sometimes.)